If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
