everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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