May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
