also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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