I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
