Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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