I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
