I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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