He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
