when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
