Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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