Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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