How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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