I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
cat food counts as protein by the way
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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