So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
