Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm bleeding and have questions
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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