I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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