I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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