I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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