The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You need a sexual gate keeper
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
