I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
