I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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