Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
