Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
