My Higher Power is John Stamos
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
