i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
