if you like me you must not know who I am
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
