the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
