I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
