Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize