sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
