I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
