Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
