Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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