not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
