awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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