plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
