Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
