i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
