we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
