I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
