I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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