Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
