My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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