Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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