If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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