I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
this will be a night to untag.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
