I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
