You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
