my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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