It's Friday. Sex?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
