Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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