i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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